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 Leading Wholeheartedly:
A Quality Approach
Respectful Confrontation for Superior
Results
“Without the courage to challenge
others, we are idling through life.”
—Kathryn Smerek
The Quakers’ powerful motto, “Speaking
Truth to Power,” means the willingness to
challenge behavior that is off-purpose with core
principles and values—even if the one you
challenge has power over you. It is an action
requiring courage. In fact, one of the critical acts
of courage we must master to have efficacy and power
in life is that of respectfully confronting
situations and people.
As a therapist, executive coach, CEO of my own
growing organization, father, and husband, I have
discovered a fundamental law in this plane of
reality: What you won’t confront today
doesn’t just go away; it festers, grows, and
comes back another day to hurt you. What you
won’t face and handle today will come back
later and with more pain. You get to choose. Will you
learn to confront sooner or later (when it will cost
you more)?
If you are to lead others successfully over time,
you need to learn to manage and lead yourself. I have
yet to meet an executive or a family member who said,
“I only want mediocre or substandard results in
my life and work.” Everyone is trying to create
superior outcomes for themselves personally and
professionally. That effort will fail dismally unless
there is the ability to access the courage and skill
to respectfully confront others.
What is respectful confrontation, and why is it
one of the seven acts of courage? It takes courage to
confront someone who can hurt us either through job
action, rejection, counterattack, withdrawal, or a
fractured relationship. We put ourselves “out
there” when we confront someone. Yet, the
confrontation needs to be done respectfully with
consideration for the other person’s dignity
and humanity. To confront without respect is to
simply “dump” our thoughts and feelings
on the other person. By telling our truth as we see
it, but doing so in a respectful and considerate
tone, we make it harder for the person to simply deny
what we are saying, brush us off, counterattack, or
withdraw in hurt or anger.
This powerful act of courage and the skills it
requires to do it well are extremely powerful and
effective because they are all too rare. Mary Kay Ash
of Mary Kay Cosmetics was a master of respectful
confrontation, as was Sam Walton of Wal-Mart. They
preserved the dignity of the other person or group
even as they challenged and confronted
them.
The process is simple. Take the time to write out
what you want to say and the reason for saying it, as
well as the desired outcome in terms of both results
and developing the relationship. Before you deliver
the confrontation, take the time to state the
positive outcome or purpose for which you are aiming,
creating a positive mindset for sharing. Then state
the specific behavior that is a problem, keeping it
short and simple. Tell them the effect of that
behavior on the team, the organization, and the
relationship. Ask them for their thoughts and
reactions, and finish by creating a plan together on
how to move forward. Later, follow up and follow
through on the plan with them.
It is important to remember in this process to use a
respectful and even compassionate tone of voice. The
tone will outweigh the actual words and can make the
difference between success and failure. Are you ready
for superior results by confronting with respect? Or,
will you wait for more pain later? The decision is
yours!
 ROBERT EARL (DUSTY) STAUB
II is a nationally known author with two books in
print and is the founder and CEO of Staub Leadership
Consultants. He facilitates leadership development
programs for individuals and organizations and is
based in Greensboro, NC. E-mail your questions to
questions@staubleadership.com
or call 336-282-0282.
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