What Did You
Just Say?
Tips to More
Effective Communication
Summary
As you approach your supervisor’s door, you
can’t help but notice the knot in your stomach and
the overwhelming desire to turn around and walk the other
way. But, you know how important this conversation will
be to your career and you resolve to face it head-on.
After all, you are prepared, aren’t you?
According to Steve Kaye, there are many
aspects that must be considered when entering into a
conversation of any type. From location and surroundings
to the ability to remain in the right mind frame when
others react immaturely, there are several elements to
consider that may provide a more thorough, productive
conversation.
In cities across the country, there is one
thing many people will encounter at least a few times
every day—conversations. And whether they revolve
around something as simple as office supplies or as
drastic as cutting employees, many don’t realize
the importance of effective communication skills. From
the environment in which the conversation takes place to
word choice and listening techniques, almost everyone is
sure to find an area in which he or she could improve.
After working in major corporations for 20 years, author
and consultant Steve Kaye, Placentia, Calif., has found
various facets of communication he believes many people
could harness in order to generate more productive,
useful conversations.
Safe and Sound
Although it may appear a conversation begins with a
simple “hello” or a stern “please sit
down,” any encounter should start long before the
discussion is initiated. In an exchange there must be at
least two parties, and both should be held somewhat
responsible for the environment created while the
interaction takes place. When entering into any
conversation, each party should individually resolve that
he or she will approach the dialogue in a positive
manner, refusing to fall into any unproductive behavior
his or her counterpart may initiate, thus creating a safe
environment—the first important facet to more
successful communication.
The next important way to create a safe
environment involves the actual manner of the parties
responsible for the interaction. This manner must convey
acceptance—meaning each person remains calm and
collected regardless of the topic at hand. “Even if
one person begins behaving poorly,” Kaye notes,
“the other person continues to react in such a way
as to keep the environment as safe and as positive as
possible. Basically, the other person doesn’t
counter attack.” This tactic, according to Kaye,
involves basic emotional intelligence, a fancy name for
maturity. Kaye explains: “Almost any form of
negative behavior is an indication of immaturity as well
as a projection of fear. Both parties are challenged to
behave with courage, maturity, and respect.”
By choosing a positive vocabulary and
responding to topics in a positive way contributors to
the conversation continue to create this safe
environment. The simplest way to do this is to stray away
from the use of negative words. Even simple negative
phrases, such as “I will not” can create a
downbeat atmosphere. Instead, approach the topic with
what you will or can do.
The last way in which Kaye recommends
participants can create this feeling of safety is through
the avoidance of assumptions and “hot-button”
words. An extreme example of an assumption would occur if
a person asked a colleague, “What are you trying to
do, fool me?” In response to this type of
questioning, the other person will either immediately
become defensive or will counterattack, ending in an
escalation of the situation. “Hot-button”
words to avoid can range anywhere from name calling to
obscenities and vulgarities. Use of this type of
language, according to Kaye, immediately indicates
immature behavior and an attempt to gain power through
intimidation. “I was once invited to meet with a
committee about my workshop,” Kaye recalls,
“and the president of the company repeatedly used
one obscene word that he slipped into almost every single
sentence. It was almost his verbal scepter. Sometimes
people get the impression that being angry and tough and
negative and harsh is a sign of strength, when, to the
contrary, it’s a sign of weakness.”
Are You Listening?
The next facet to superior communication involves various
skills to help the conversant in listening more
effectively. The broadest technique, according to Kaye,
is to “just plain pay attention.” Asking
questions, repetition, and affirmation follow. All of
these techniques help to treat the person with respect
and dignity. One way to better pay attention is by
thoroughly listening to each other’s sentences.
“I can recall a conversation I had recently,”
Kaye says, “where the person would interrupt my
sentences because this person, apparently, had already
decided what I was going to say. It’s disrespectful
because this person is not really finding out what I want
to say and is sometimes guessing wrong.”
The second way to improve listening skills is
through asking questions. This simple tactic can not only
demonstrate a sincere interest in what someone is saying,
but it can also build upon the information received,
resulting in a more complete picture of what someone is
trying to convey. When asking these questions, it is
particularly important to make sure they are phrased in a
positive manner. Kaye comments that questions negatively
accusing rather than positively inquiring such as,
“Why would you do something like this?” will
only shut down effective listening.
The repetition technique is another way to
build upon the information received throughout a
conversation. This technique, which can be used
throughout the course of a conversation, is a
straightforward method that involves repeating simply a
word at the end of the other person’s sentence with
the intent to draw the person into saying more. For
example, if two colleagues approached one another and the
first mentioned she had just returned from a meeting, the
second colleague would respond with,
“Meeting?” This can continue for quite a
while, thus hopefully gaining the desired
information.
The final active listening technique is
affirmation. With affirmation, it is important to address
each situation with what you know to be
true—especially when the situation is potentially
risky. Kaye describes a situation of an employee
approaching his or her boss with a new idea: “The
employee could go in with an affirmation such as,
‘I know you’re the boss and I know you have
to the final say on this, and I know you make all the
decisions here. Still, I wonder if you’d be
interested in hearing about a new idea?’ After
hearing those affirmations, most bosses would feel
relaxed and willing to listen.”
Watch Your Step
The final facet addressed by Kaye in attempting to
communicate more efficiently is the avoidance or
elimination of obstacles to listening. These obstacles
result from a variety of areas, including: mental,
procedural, and situational obstacles.
Mental obstacles are those that exist in each
individual’s mind in one way or another. Whether
through prejudice, prejudgment, or just heightened
emotions, these feelings can greatly affect the
usefulness of any conversation. Kaye points out that
because we are human, from time to time most of us hear
something that presses our buttons. This is when
it’s important to harness our emotions in order to
continue with the conversation at hand. “What we
need to do,” Kaye contends, “is to grab that
surge, recognize that we feel this surge of anger, and
let the wave roll by. Then, on the backside, respond in a
mature, positive way.” Kaye recommends asking
questions like, “Could you tell me more about what
you’re saying?” Or, “That sounds like
an insult, is that what you intended?” This
reflection-type of questioning will help you regain
control of the situation.
Procedures used when attempting to
communicate with others can either help or hinder the
progress made in any conversation. Procedures that can
ultimately lead to failed communication include talking
too much, interrupting, and the loss of focus.
“Some people believe that talking a lot
demonstrates intelligence,” Kaye says,
“actually it demonstrates disrespect. When
you’re talking, you’re not learning. Most
people want to be made to feel important and
they’ll feel important if they’re given some
air in which they can speak.” Loss of focus can be
caused by a multitude of things—from watching
others as they pass by to planning what will be said
next—not listening to the actual conversation will
ultimately inhibit all parties involved.
Bad situations may be an obstacle commonly
present in everyday conversation, but it is also
relatively simple to remedy. The most common undesirable
situations result from three areas: noise, information
overload, and fatigue. Noise, although everywhere, can
sometimes distract even the most serious of
conversations. Eliminating noise through a location
change or other method is vital to effective
communication. Information overload may not be as easy to
spot, but it can also be fixed. When experiencing this
“overload,” interrupting the speaker and
taking notes can help sort out the problem. “One
way to pace someone else’s talking is to say the
words out loud as you write them down,” Kaye
recommends. “This tells the person the rate at
which you’re processing the information.” The
third situational obstacle, fatigue, can be solved with
the simple willingness to be honest. From time to time
everyone has found him- or herself nodding off despite
all attempts to the contrary. Instead of dealing with
this, or pinching yourself to stay awake, Kaye recommends
mentioning the problem, postponing the conversation, and
taking a brisk walk to the water fountain. Although this
tactic may seem in some ways inconsiderate, it is
important to note that it may be more inconsiderate to
miss what is said due to fatigue. “Simply say,
‘I’m suddenly tired and having difficulty
paying attention. I know what you’re telling me is
important and I want to catch all of it. How about we do
this...?’” Kaye says.
All in all, Kaye finds one overwhelming
truth: “Everything is based on compassion for other
people. That means recognizing that other people are
human beings, just like we are, who have feelings and
lives and complications, just like we do. If we
acknowledge that, we will treat them with the respect and
courtesy we all deserve.”
November 2001 News
for a Change Homepage
